Why this morning this hit me? I have no idea. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how I got to sitting down, here in this spot, so ready to jump in head first, opening back up a package that I have loved for so long.
After an awesome visit with family last night and a flattering message from a friend, somewhere in me, I was reminded to focus on just how precious and beautiful life is. The last few weeks, months, possible years have challenged me to no end. We as a family, have done an 180, hitting several roadblocks on the way and ended up in a place so very different from where we began. Can we say Dorothy?! Click, click.
It’s funny how beauty can sit right in front of you, but you can only see it if you CHOOSE to. Novel idea, I know. As I write this, I look around at our beautiful home. I see an amazing blue sky, a beautiful and graceful daughter, letting our pups out, into our peaceful backyard, safe, healthy and free. HOW is it that I have taken ALL of these things for granted.
One year ago, I paid a wonderful friend to do family photos. I was my goal to capture the moment, just how far we had come as a family. My beautiful babies, what a difference a year makes ~
See, that’s life. We get bogged down with the mundane, the irrelevant, unimportant things that really hold no weight or bearing. We get stuck in the rat race. For me, I get stuck in perfection. Over the years, I have become my biggest critic, when really I should have grown to be my biggest cheerleader. #lifelessons
After a conversation with a friend yesterday, it came to question. Why is it that we allow ourselves, to learn, to make ourselves small, to celebrate in silence and minimize our accomplishments. As girls we learn that self confidence equals being self-centered, that celebrating achievements is bragging and having an opinion, makes us opinionated, overbearing and intimating. We post on social media about raising strong, independent daughters who are confident, and march to their own drum but how can we possibly expect this if we are not willing to do so ourselves?
I saw a quote this morning. It hit home as a reminder of just where I am at in life. I have a feeling I am not alone. Just F@%$ing jump. Take the leap, be scared, shaken and unsure. Who the He!! cares if it is the worst decision in the world. What’s going to happen? People will have an opinion of you? Don’t they already?! And does their opinion of you really matter anyway? I mean, I’ve been living in the bubble of people pleasing for far to long and it’s only taken 40 years to realize that I will never please everyone so I should stop freek’n trying!!!! eyeye. Seriously, what the he11 is so hard about that?! (insert eye roll)
When did we allow a world, a false narrative to dictate who and how someone should be, as a mother, a lover, a neighbor, a friend, or whatever the heck else you want to be. If you are already on the “I don’t give a f&*%” train, damn, teach me a thing or two because I took the scenic route. What I can tell you is whatever light went on over the last few weeks, months, year, I’m freek’n taking that light and running with it because the feeling of being “free” and doing my own thing was something I should have done a LONG time ago.
So my question for you, is what is holding you back? Why aren’t you taking that leap? What dreams, desires, loves, challenges have you always wanted to face and WHY are you not facing them? Do you want to miss out? Do you want to go to your grave, with an I wish I had, I could have, I should have, I wanted to… Not sure about you but for me that is a big hell no. I am not convinced every day will be easy. Let’s be real, that’s not life, but each of us have a choice to walk with the crowd or march to the beat of our own drum. I can’t say if tomorrow I will deviate from my own march but today I am looking around to see that life is pretty freekn amazing if you allow it to be.
MY life will NEVER be normal. I will NEVER be normal, and I am vowing to myself to never put myself down again for not fitting the “mold”. To those who have pushed me in this direction, loved me for me, cheered for me and cried with me, you are my people. I think I like THIS normal, the one where I am exploring myself, leaning into what really makes me happy. Choosing opportunities, people and places that make me feel lite and allow me to thoroughly enjoy life and just be.
For years, I have made myself small. I have been afraid to speak my truth, to be open, have an opinion, speak as though I mean it. I have tried to reflect on where this comes from. At what point in life was I taught to be small, soft, kind… insignificant for fear of “offending” someone. Sound familiar?!
As I walked past my mirror yesterday on my way to meet a friend for our lunch break workout, I saw something, a women. I actually fel in love with the strength of her legs as she walked by 😆 Fit, solid, strong, beautiful and determined. Damn was she sexy. Why the hell do I beat her up?! Every. Single. Day.
At 40 years old, that women was divorced, a single mom and questioning her every move, yet she is living her best life. She is fighting everyday to no longer be small. She is choosing to speak her truth. She is no longer the “opinionated, selfish, self-centered” person that some speak about when they see a women who is confident, determined and loyal to the only person that really matters, herself. I assure you she has had more days that ended in tears then there have been smiles. There have been even more moments when she wanted to break and throw in that towel (as if that is a choice) and then there are moments when she asks herself what the f&*% is she doing this for?!
Who else in this world is going to stand up for her? Who else is going to love her the way she deserves to be loved, unconditionally, wholeheartedly, loyal without reservation? Who else is going to teach her babies that they have everything they need in those compact little bodies of theirs… We can all seek external validation, but let’s face it, external validation can only take us so far.
So in a world where electronic communication is so easy. The view of others lives are so very skewed, let’s support one another to live. Lets see the beauty in being everybit what we were made to be, a voice of reason, love, strength, fun, determination, independence, difference, uniqueness, autonomy, and beauty. THIS is what I hope to leave as a legacy. THESE are the qualities and strengths I hope to instill and leave behind in the generations to follow.
If you have made it this far, you’re a saint. I don’t know where this journey will end but here we are today. We all start somewhere and THIS is the gift my “HARD” has given me. Refocused Wellness has been my baby. It has gotten abandoned, I don’t know how many times but I keep coming back to it which tells me something… what that is, is left to be determined.
If you would like to follow along, this is where you will find me, on my blog, building something… but what I don’t know what. A vision, a dream, a life. With love and light…